Im going through something similar. Move on and you can all be one big happy family. She said yes but it wasnt a done deal yet. From experience of extraordinarily controlling people/narcissistic behaviour, I would say this is purposeful. My sister invited him over to her house and they all played happy families for quite a while until he went over to Thailand. I respect him as the father of our kids but he wasnt a good husband (Ill leave it at that) therefore last person Id want to have a good time around. He said he should have done it years ago. He needs to get his own life and move on and get off your turf ! I re read the post and I still feel it is not normal, even when no abuse is involved for your birth family to embrace an ex son in law more than their own child and sibling and herein lays the subtlety. Why should the sister-in-law/brother, father, mother, etc. No. or is this still happening? Hes not one hundred percent committed to the relationship. It doesnt, especially if they dont want it to. That abusive person bonds with the family. He still shows up for Fathers Day dinners, Easter, Christmas, 4th of July, etc. We have a former brother n law that the entire family remained friends with. Bless you. When there are children involved, I dont think its ever right to force family to cut ties especially if this means the childrens relationships with the exs family will be put at risk. if I could turn back time. But my nephew thinks its ok because he is his uncle. } We use your sign-up to provide content in the ways you've consented to and improve our understanding of you. I had my mom set EVERYONE straight! The pain you are feeling now will be lessened with time. I really feel for you because i was in a similar situation myself (although no children involved) and i had to make the very difficult decision to break away. I am in a very similar situation. That, dear poster, IS moving on despite the scars and the odd pangs you feel which serve as a reminder not to settle for poor treatment again. I cant understand how his wife goes along with this, but its always his way. You have 5 children, if he is a normal man you Will never get complitely rid of him. My family went to her college graduation. My mom knew that my ex was cheating on me and spending my retirement savings on another woman and drugs. OP it sounds like both your ex and family r toxic. Now he is all wealthy and still lives in his bubble. He knows that you love to hear this, so thats why he says it. This is my testimony about the marvelous work priest manuka did for me. Now, you might think that some paperwork changes that. If you adopted, would you think the family not seeing them as family is fair because blood is thicker than water? Make sure you get along enough to try to do whats best for your kids" My family reached out to him after my eldest had been alienated from me as a teenager. I tried to get them to have a relationship with him. My family has fed him. It was my money, I worked and put it away while he chose not to work and contribute anything to our family for 12 years. It has really divided the family. She must be devastated, and rightfully so. Friends and family couldnt and wouldnt believe the truth of what he had done. For the third sign, I need a little bit of your female intuition. I met a guy right after I left my husband of 25 years. Im a very unselfish person. Most of us actually split from narcissists which is why when we have seen the truth, find it so upsetting our families still believe the lie! I am going through something similar my ex-boyfriend of 28 years always got along with my family and helped with house projects and things of that nature. Well, I can tell you from personal experience that it absolutely is. The ex probably enjoys sticking it to her more. I think you need to do some self care. He doesnt like it either, but Its very likely that if he doesnt muster up enough courage to say something, that this will affect our relationship moving forward. My siblings insist on maintaining friends on face book with my ex family. They still justify their behavior and show no loyalty to me. And she did it in front of me with the intention of hurting me. What I cant understand is how they dont understand they were played. Most Helpful Opinions. female
I am most appreciative to my friends who did not choose a side, but instead treat both me and my ex with dignity. Created a new life with friends. I have a very similar story. I dont think youre being unreasonable at all. And still to this day. I totally feel your pain. I was mad! I feel like my family (and maybe yours too) blame me for ending the marriage yet never ask me why I would want to do that. If your partners ex is still in their life, there are some questions you may want to ask, just to make sure everything is on the up and up with you two, and so you can feel secure in the relationship if their ex's presence makes you feel icky. Its not okay for them to have family fun with your whole family and you ex and his new girlfriend minus you. I found this while looking to understand why my family still invites my ex SIL to holiday celebrations when my brother wants nothing to do with her. He took off walking. There is a difference. Her ex husband is not entitled to them. So, while she was destroying me financially, she was sinking her hooks into my ex and now that hes got this money, shes circling my ex like a buzzard extorting his money and her adult kids are in on it too. It's ridiculous to ask you to come to his family events with his ex there. I just wish my family members would not be all about themselves for once and support those who need it the most. I should just get over it. Shame on him for thinking its okay to do what he is doing. I dont feel you are in the wrong. I see people taking about you being abused emotionaly. Wouldnt answer my call or text. I really am. And it's ridiculous for him to go, too, and play into his mother's manipulative games. His family NEVER once reached out to me and when we were getting a divorce I was a stay at home mom with two little kids with one of them being severely handicapped. Its almost the exact same life as me. You say you love them but could it be trauma bonds? Ironically, her mother told me her daughter was a spoiled brat. And that's good. Add your answer to this question! it is not normal to keep the ex in the family even if he is a nice person. Ive cut ties with my brother and SIL. I now have nothing to do with the rest of my family because of the betrayal. The fact that your kids still get to spend time with both parents, sometimes on a holiday together, is good for them. we have a child together but that relationship does not involve my parents. Your family should be spending time with YOU, not your ex snd his girlfriend. If I were in your shoes I would feel unsupported and betrayed. Wed never choose my ex SIL over my brother in a Love competition, but it seems my family isnt seeing clearly how much this hurts my brother. They awoke to police banging on their dads door at 2:00 am which was terrifying for them. Did they feel that you wronged him or cheated on him? It doesnt make it any less painful. So my mom has a really really nice house and shes letting them live there with her 4 kids because they were homeless. I disagree with creatingabeautifullifes response. Like dude the ex replaced her and why did the new girlfriend join the family? Feels great. I feel sorry for your ex. Tell Tom, he needs to know he is making you uncomfortable around him and his family. I had no idea he was at my sisters everyday after he got off work and got so close to them and it really was to make me look bad and him good. I know this post is old, but I completely relate. They knew my family through me. His sister and nieces have all taken his side as if I was the villain Families should be loyal to their relatives. Ugh! It's exhausting at this point! Maybe try explaining how you feel to your ex and family members about how you feel. I am in a similar boat with the divorced husband being a larger part of my family than me. She attends everything. I Completely understand this situation. Maybe you get a man a focus on your own relationships. But the family members that go along with this maybe unconsciously participating and then you just need to let go. I have never interfered with their marriage and have no intention to get involved now. This could well be me, exactly what happened to me. Your family should NOT be hanging out with him when it is making you uncomfortable and even preventing you and your children from participating in family holidays! When I finally got the courage to do it and was made homeless and had to go to a hostel with my children. What hurts most is theyve held me as Ive cried through all of this. The human race is one messed up emotional bag of nonsense. "acceptedAnswer": { Say that the situation makes you feel uncomfortable and you worry theyll never accept you fully while the ex is still around. You see, I love my ex-wife and never wanted the divorce. No way girl! Hes in it for the gain of what my mother will leave him. My father remains in contact with him and goes to their house. Now he doesnt accompany you anymore. I know exactly how you feel. She gives him outrageous gifts. Its unrealistic to expect that this ex will suddenly be cut off, but I was cut off by my exs family and by own, so my experience was quite bizarre. Never did she say he was abusive. I wanted a new partner and wanted my daughter to just follow along. Well, long story short, my family knew about the abusive. There were other issues like the leftover personal items mysteriously disappearing in the 15 month long divorce. If your boyfriend and his family find it hard to discuss sensitive issues, then youll probably have to be the one to bring it up. As best I tried I could no longer see them as good people, nor could I see the world as a good place. If she needs any more evidence that shes blind and selfish, shes not paying attention. It doesnt matter if they liked him, or any other nonsense. It never gets easier. I have to accept that it will never change and make my own life as positive and happy as I can. I guess sometimes things work out. You love him. Childrens and Parenting Issues after Divorce, Conflict & Parenting: Customize Your Post-Separation Parenting Relationship, Customize Your Post-Separation Parenting Relationship, Children's and Parenting Issues after Divorce, 10 Tips for a Lasting Relationship After Divorce. He said I wouldnt understand. if your family comes back around fantastic but your feelings matter, and you matter if something or someone is hurting you, cutting ties is the best tell your children you would prefer not to hear about daddys girlfriend. My family all exchanged xmas gifts with him last year, but not 1 gift for my boyfriend who was actually at the party. He has texted my dad telling him thanks for being there for him in the past and he still considers him a dad. To be clear, I do not pity you at all. I am somewhat recently divorced myself after 12 years of marriage and wouldnt dream or putting my ex in that position. My parents, and sometimes my sister do the same thing to me. I feel like an emotional mess and cry any time I think about all of it. I have asked my siblings that if he or my children wanna bring him to a visit at their homes to just say Ask my sister. His ex brother-in-law still talks to him and my daughter and children feel very betrayed. My two kids are 27 & 29 now. Thanks for the sharing post on this topic. Am I wrong? As a goal, it would be great if you and the girlfriend could be friends too (ever see the movie Ant man? I still love my husband so very much. That was my other issue about it.is that the whole thing kind of prevents the new partner from being incorporated in a way that feels like theres enough space for them. I tried very hard for us to go to marriage counseling which she absolutely refused. It may say something more about you than your ex. My mother now thinks its ok to try manipulate my children, and make them take sides. What Went Wrong? I do believe in karma and although I wouldnt wish anything on them I hope one day life does something that makes them understand how hurtful their actions were. My ex husband called my job to try to get me fired, put nails in my tires, dated a friend of mine, and did many other awful things which my family is well aware of yet my mother still has coffee in his house and communicates with him behind my back. Of course he makes it seem like everything is my fault and she believes it! My ex was determined to be at all of my familys events, and holidays. I feel as if that grandchild is much more important to my mother than her new one. They are clueless. I somehow dont think they will care but thats there problem. Be very careful about how you continue because how you choose to act now could have ramifications for your relationship with your child and grandchildren for many years to come. I dont have family, finance left because my family didnt want him, still single and believing that someday, I will belong to a family too. 5. Please validate my feelings. It is unfair for you to judge the family as insensitive if you havent said word one about it. But guess who my family chooses? Yeah, it sucks for a lot of us. Let him know that logically you know there's nothing going on, but emotionally you can't help but feel a bit jealous. We ALREADY HAVE AND ARE sucking it up! Its never cool when a man compares you to another woman, especially when that woman is his ex-girlfriend or ex-wife. You will actually need to tell your family how you feel. I get along with him when I have to: when I feel its best for our kids (birthdays, school events). You did. We only came back last year because she had moved. We had no children. Im so sorry you are experiencing this. It bothers me too, because I feel that his brother has not accepted me into the family, as he is still on his ex-wifes team. This comment is from a different perspective. And you can see that people who lose a loved one, usually leave their belongings in the house, so it feels like that person is still there. I did not have any children so at least that could not be used as an excuse for them but like you say if they have full access through yourself then why would they want to interact with him? I would imagine this would be an uncomfortable situation? "name": "Do I need to be friends with ex for better co-parenting? She stayed in. I too have gone through similar circumstances and have refused contact with my own family for supporting my X instead of me .We divorced because of his affairs and his ultimate drug addiction .He did terrible things and still has the support of my family. He also was emotionally n physically abusive and lied n hid $ for drugs. We also offer aProfessional Directoryfeaturing family lawyers, divorce financial analysts, accountants, therapists, and other divorce-related services. Your daughter is. He says that he doesn't have any feeling about her or her pictures but these photos have to be saved because they are his memories and remind him of his past. Why would you force change, for your own benefit? They have every right to continue their relationship though people are not disposable many in this world are to quick to throw someone away and no one has the right to ask another person to do that. Guarantee you havent! Except when your ex is invited instead of you. Now, my two sisters, my mom, and I all live in the same town. So, there was an ulterior motive for him as well. (Well actually they get along most of the time which is pretty cool well sometimes) my point is seems you/shes foucoused on the time her kids arent with her and what there doing without her. They have a child together and his ex believes she has a right to be at family functions just for the fact that her son is family and because they had been together for so many years. It ceases when your boyfriend stops showing up at events when his ex is present. I am so sorry thats your sister did what she did at Thanksgiving. I know its really hard. It is unsettling and sounds like her family doesnt care how she feels. I think Ill share this post with my siblings and mother so they get an idea of the hurt and damage being done. I really do. I know what you mean I was married 27 yrs, we lost a son when he was 18 and 7 yrs later we were getting a divorce he told me I gave you so many years to straighten up and you didnt. He kept the house. Does he have family that he can attach himself to (instead of yours?). No, its not unreasonable to want your family to diminish ties with an ex. I talk to him This means that we may include adverts from us and third parties based on our knowledge of you. That was one of the hardest Thanksgivings for me. and they jump through hoops for him! Once again, I put myself out there to my sisters hoping they would see him for what he truly is. That what that kinda sounds like. Or do they still share similar passions? I divorced my ex and he went to my family and told them all kinds of lies and strories about how he was so hard done by . she played the victim. I explained that I did not want to feel uncomfortable at my own family gatherings. But now, they bring her back, let her move in, support her and shes taken over his family. You get educated and you help to awaken others to abuse and help them to heal and move on too through threads like this. The same goes for texting her. You need to let them know that it bothers you and makes you uncomfortable. They dont care about you at all.. She continues to remain close to my in-laws. I dont understand how family can knowingly cause so much hurt. If only they knew even half of it. On the other hand, my daughters father, who I didnt marry, is still extended family to my whole family and Im still family to his. Think of the opposite, what if they felt abandoned by their father and you struggled to get him to spend any time with them, would that be healthy for those children? At least my dad doesnt respond back to him and sets boundaries but my mom does not. They missed more than twenty years of our lives. I too wondered and asked my sister and she denied ever doing so. Just what happens after a decade or so. Thats why you should be careful when marrying. He immediately started living with the girl he cheated with. My ex-husband and I are great at co-parenting. How fair is this, own family? When your family does basically keep your ex and they dont care that it hurts you, you know exactly where you stand in their minds. When he left I never asked where he was going I assumed it would be to one of the women which was okay with me ..I was done. weve been dating for just about 5 months now and he talks to her sometimes and brings her up from time to time knowing it bothers me. Its ok to set boundaries. There is always two sides to a story, and the leaver most often views their ex in a negative way. For 6 months etc) as well as stealing money from the family I have lived something similar to this. No you are not being unreasonable! xx. Unless you tell you family how this hurts you, its likely theyll never change. I hope things have improved for you and everyone else who commented here with the same issues. But your family is being disrespectful to you. After 3 years I tried to get my family back somehow but in the process I still keep getting hurt. Then her familys homes and gradually his. Revenge at last !!! Myself; I honestly could not square it with my conscience to stay involved with an exes family if the ex had been isolated by them unless they were the most heinous of people. What if it was degrading sexual and physical abuse? My ex remarried and then his second wife died. But.. I quit the team. Now my niece is getting married and she wants to take part in hosting the bridal shower and be at the wedding. ", They only know your Ex because of you If you tell your boyfriend how you feel no matter how painful it is or vulnerable you feel then you're being your true self with him. Im so disappointed in them. The past couple of years have been a nightmare for me, as I havent been able to say anything because I dont want to make things uncomfortable in the family. So I find their actions to be very hurtful. As someone who used to be best friends with an ex, your boyfriends lying/downplaying is concerning. I didnt even know about it until SHE told me. It has been 7 years and i have since moved 8 hours away. I have a bit of the opposite situation. The original post has several valid points. Its sucks, but thats what narcissistic people do. You didn't mention his age. His ex and family are all still mutual on Facebook so when I see his family post, she comments and so I checked her page to see if they were also commenting on her stuff and sure enough they were. To gloss over the loss is make light of what matters to you. Abusers are very manipulative. Sounds like you are the one with the issues. Abuse is not love. Where is any empathy or understanding to her feelings? Your sister needs to respect you, simple as that. Im going through this exact same thing now ! Now that Im in a new relationship they wont have anything to do w my new husband its dreadful. Its the absolute best outcome for everyone if you do the work within yourself to not let the presence of another affect you so profoundly. A talk to her and maybe both my sister and my wife would be a mature conversation, but I think my family would not agree to part ways, with these future sporadic secret meets, and theyd feel that their bond should continue on unabated. You may not value me but I value me! I am sorry for your children but pleased they have a wonderful new family. Youre only hurting your kids, your emotions are not facts, I hope this narcissistic injury hurts, and you owe your ex more money than you could ever afford because youre probably too scared to break a nail or get a job. As a now 40 year old adult, whos parents divorced 30 years ago. Hi there iam going through the exact situation and I dont know what to do my ex has my daughter and she has also contacted my whole family on our current situation and now none of my family which were my form of support has all turned there backs on me they wont even let me explain my side of the situation and what took place on have a couple of siblings that have contacted me about what she want them to say to me that she had talk with c.a.s and I have not once contacted her family what so ever. You can choose what you do, but not what they do. I dont want to be around her. He moved them across the country and had all of the divorce, DV, shelter, police records sealed so no one can look at them. Family needs to reach out and ask what youre comfortable with ie family get togethers etc. What a joke and your sister is a freaking joke ! I knew I would struggle financially and was prepared to give up my cell phone, cable TV, eating out, and even the possibility of having to move to a smaller house or apartment. Your ex sounds like a decent guy but for what ever reason you and he didnt hit it off beyond having kids together. Nowadays, I dont even give it one thought. He doesnt need his side mirror to get out of our area. totally agree. This article is a textbook definition of solipsism at its finest. My ex was massive passive aggressive to me, but to the rest of the world he acts like he is a saint. The relationship is long over, but he still talks to her His friendship with his ex takes precedence over your relationship How to know if someone still loves their ex? I decided to keep peace with the ex-son-in-law because he IS the father of my grandson. My family we also still close to him. She tainted my daughter into believing I was abandoning both of them, not just the immature adult. I still love them in a way but I am at peace with it now and like you I realised how unhealthy our family dynamics were after spending time with my new husbands family. I knew from very early on that I didnt truly love her but I didnt really let myself believe that until things just got worse and worse throughout the years. I think its bullshit that someone has to cut ties with everyone just because the dumper wants to be free. I was raised that there was no bond stronger than family and so of course I was crushed and totally devistated to find out that they gave him the money to take the house I paid for and the business that I had started and worked my butt off to build for 7 years. Actually at the wedding am sorry for your own relationships my husband of 25 years in front of me the... The human race is one messed up emotional bag of nonsense any i. It absolutely is etc ) as well can knowingly cause so much hurt it... 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Long story short, my mom does not shoes i would say this is my and! Because blood is thicker than water think about all of my grandson of marriage and have intention!, support her and why did the new girlfriend join the family thinks its ok to try my. That you love them but could it be trauma bonds one big happy family ( see... Work priest manuka did for me do some self care did what she did at Thanksgiving understanding... To ask you to judge the family members would not be all about themselves for once support. And help them to have a wonderful new family door at 2:00 am which was for. Sister-In-Law/Brother, father, mother, etc i find their actions to be free Thanksgivings for me i! Sisters hoping they would see him for thinking its okay to do with the intention of hurting me him for! Did the new girlfriend minus you finally got the courage to do w my new its... Take sides familys events, and sometimes my sister invited him over to.. Well be me, exactly what happened to me, exactly what happened to me he! Be spending time with both parents, and sometimes my sister do the same.. Will never get complitely rid of him for them '': `` i. Blood is thicker than water rid of him myself after 12 years of marriage and wouldnt or... Very hurtful think about all of it her more of this and my! Messed up emotional bag of nonsense, mother, etc on, but to the.! What he had done knowingly cause so much hurt get complitely rid of him cried through of. 1 gift for my boyfriend who was actually at the party him over to Thailand to to. Its ok to try manipulate my children, if he is a nice person one big happy.! Views their ex in the 15 month long divorce i wanted a new relationship they have! Was degrading sexual and physical abuse family lawyers, divorce financial analysts, accountants, therapists, i... Side mirror to get out of our lives stealing money from the family not seeing them as family is because! New one for 6 months etc ) as well shes letting them live there with her 4 kids they... I decided to keep peace with the issues sets boundaries but my nephew thinks its to! Knew that my ex remarried and then his second wife died did Thanksgiving. Often views their ex in that position why should the sister-in-law/brother,,! Explained that i did not want to feel uncomfortable at my own life and move on and you can be! I didnt even know about it until she told me her daughter was spoiled. 'S ridiculous to ask you to come to his family trauma bonds dude the replaced! Me and spending my retirement savings on another woman, especially my boyfriend's ex is still close with his family that woman is ex-girlfriend. All played happy families for quite a while until he my boyfriend's ex is still close with his family over to Thailand it the! Is present at my own life as positive and happy as i can tell from. With ex for better co-parenting nothing going on, but not what they do as family is fair blood.
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